T-group meeting #1

Hello lovelies,

today I will tell you about my first visit at the Copenhagen transgender support group (yes, I am well aware that I have been putting this off for far too long). I can be a little reluctant to go new places - especially if I have to go there whithout anyone I know. In spite of my actually pretty decent social skills, you might want to call it social anxiety - I don't. I went together with my really good friends, a lesbian couple - where one of them is also MtF trans like I am. we decided to meet up earlier on the afternoon to shop for underwear and our little shopping trip turned into a full blown bank account massacre / Lingerie frenzy - I bought quite a few lovely pieces myself. I know for certain that I had a blast, since it is always interesting to peek at your friends dressing and undressing in clothes stores. There's nothing wrong with feeling a little creepy when you do it with the "victims" girlfriend<3
I think I want to use this opertunity to do a little advertisement aswell; NewYorker is an amazing place to shop for underwear, its relatively cheap, much like H&M, but the quality and fitting is far superior to their things. They also have some pieces that will make boys swoon and girls drool. Or was it the other way around? Nah, nobody cares about gender roles anyhow, because everybody loves unicorns and rainbow sprinkled ice cream.
               I think we might have shopped around in NewYorker for a couple of hours, just looking through underwear. At the time the store was closing, we all bought the pieces we liked and made for the LGBT library( this is where the support group meetings are held). I was very excited to go - since I had finally gotten myself together for it. Very excited to meet other trans* people and to finally meet Malene Andreasen, who is in fact both the founder and host of the T-group meetings. She is a lovely lady with a very special character and an optimistic glow, much to be admired. Upon entering the cozy lounge of the library, I realized we had a visitor; A journalist student on her last year who had come to learn about the transpolitic issues in the danish society. More specifically transgender issues revolving children and youth. We kept the talk going for several hours, touching everything from university traditions, to traditional and unconventional relationship structures, gender roles, sexuality vs genderidentity. Bigotry within the LGBT community and so on.
                 It was definately a cool experience and I can feel that having participated has given me a rise in both optimism and confidence <3 I am already looking forward to participating again.

xoxo Kira

Something about crossroads and facing reality.

Ohayo gozaimasu!

I have, as you may have noted, been having a f*ckton of moodswings recently. Somewhat due to an instability in my HRT dose, and somewhat due to some severe selfrealization. A part of that selfrealization has made me stronger - but another part has brought me down. Realizing that you need to give up on a lifelong dream (or at least postpone it indefinately) is never a fun thing to do. But it has to happen. We can not just go around and pretend that we will ever be able to fulfill the impossible, and so, I have given up on trying to make myself a studio. There is simply no way that I will be able to afford expanding it to the point where I can use it, and to be perfectly honest, I am not sure I have what it takes to handle the equipment in a way that will ever end up being the music I dreamt of making. Besides that, trying to throw all your money into an abyss like this dream has been to me - all the while attempting to save up for surgeries and treatments that will complete me is not only impossible, but it also seems greedy to try and grasp a hold on all of the things that I dream about. I am a dreamer by heart, and it has simultaneously been a blessing and a curse throughout my life. Always having the idea of the abstract, - always have inspiration, but never the sense of reality to bring any of it into this world. That is why, ladies and gentlemen, I am turning the key to my musicstudio.
                     There's also a bright side to dying dreams though. They make you realize where reality is, and although that experience might be harsh, it will be healthier in the long run. Also, letting go of something in your hand will allow you to hold on tighter to whatever you carry in the other. I will focus more on my writing, and use whatever money I earn from selling my old gear to stabilize my economy. I will definately try to get out more once I get back on top of my life, since there are so many of my wonderful friends that I haven't seen for a long time. Friends that mean a lot to me, and have stayed with me  since back in highschool, and continue to support me through my transition. They are amazing people that I love for who they are; True friends. I could never ask them for anything, let alone to offer me their friendship through neglect and depression.
                     I think, that I am in my right to be true to myself. To embrace the style I feel like presenting. To give myself to my life. fully, and unconditionally, and to finally steer through the path to self-acceptance as my transition continues and I continue to evolve into the person I can be proud of calling 'me'.

xoxo,
Kira

When you get that feeling

Greetings my loveable readers,

See if you can relate to this; When you get that feeling that what you have is so special. What you have is of such rare chances, that it immidiately becomes sacred.
I felt like that yesterday, having a dinnerdate with my good friend and her girlfriend, We had such chemistry between the three of us, and I really enjoyed the evening. I cooked yasai tempura and sunomono, and it was all very lovely. But the magic happened in the conversation, I only just met my friends girlfriend, and have only met my friend once before (aside from online conversations). Even though this should make them strangers to me, I felt like I have known them for so very long, and they in turn, seemed to feel the same way about eachother. I am thankful to have made such great friends and I find joy in knowing, that I will see them both again <3

xoxo Kira

Brighter lights

Hello my lovely readers,

Things are finally beginning to look ahead in life. I am back on my regular dosage of hormones and my mood is stabile again. I had an apointment with the dentist today. Besides from stripping me of all my money, I did have a good experience going there. My dentist has not seen me for about two years, since she had to take a leave due to childbirth. In the meantime, I come out, start HRT and get a name change. Seeing her again, she greeted me like any other patient. by right name and everything. At some point during the check, she asked me about medication, and I told her what I am on. She then proceeded to ask why I was so heavily medicated. Perplexed because I though she knew, I said "well, they're hormones". and she asked me if it was for trying to get pregnant or something. I couldnt help but smile as I told her I take them as part of my sexchange procedure. She was genuinely surprised - had no idea about me being transgender. Even though she's been my dentist for six years. We started talking about all the transition stuff and everything, and she was very kind

love,
Kira

Empty mailbox

A few thoughts

Dear readers,

I know I have not written anything in a while. I do not feel too well at the moment, and I am struggling to get by. For now, here's a few thoughts on being transgender.

Defeating dysphoria, is finally finding your own reflection in the mirror

Defeating dysphoria, is feeling attached to your body

Defeating dysphoria, is no longer feeling like your hanging in the middle of the air. over the abyss

Defeating dysphoria, is being awake - after a nightmare


Dysphoria, is the darkness that crumbles the walls of your inner sanctum

Dysphoria, is a gravitational pull - towards the darkest place inside of you

Dysphoria, is feeling claustrophobic in your body

Dysphoria, living death


Patience, is the key to the gate - a key to salvation, a key to the gate of your mortal coil, a key to you.

The key, is something you can never quite seem to find, or hold on to when you have it.


xoxo,
Kira

The end of all hearing

Hello dear readers,

I have recently experienced a great decline in my will to make music - and unfortunately also my creative ability to do so. I fear that I will give up on music all together?

xoxo Kira

Hello Anxiety

Hello readers,

I only just managed to open my front door and get inside the flat before I burst out crying, crying turned to hyperventilation - which became senseless shaking, curled up inside myself in the corner of my shower. As if the entire pantheon had motioned to destroy me. I felt the weight of the world crushing against me, unable to hold it aloft. All of my thoughts became a blur of distortion like crushing glass in an echo cavern with a PA system attached. My guiding light in the distant horizon snuffed out - I was left in the darkness, with no sense of direction, and no feeling of even a distant fleeting hope. Amidst the anarchy of my rampant thoughts, one single thought was clear as cold running water: "You're going to die". The thought scared me, most of all because the time it would happen was no longer relevant, it might as well be today as any other? Back to the static noise and another session of hulking crying primal fear. Thoughts would cross my mind in a somewhat understandable manner every now and then. Thoughts like: "you have achieved nothing", "you wont make it", "you're losing your friends", "you will be alone", "you look wrong"...

I have somewhat come to my senses, but I still can't control my crying. The silence of the flat is deafening and my skin feels uncomfortable.

Today marks the worst downfall I have experienced during my transition. If I was religious, I would pray that no other day will exceed the horrors of this one.

I hope, for what more can I do??

Sincerely,
your tormented Kira.

A quick wedensday post

Hey dear readers,

Today I want to do something interesting. I am going to give you a couple of lists, feel free to make your own in the comment section.

10 Things I hate:

1. When people say "I wish I was a trainee, you have it so easy"
2. People who stare at me without any sense of modesty because of my transfabulousness
3. People who refuse to acknowledge my gender
4. Celery
5. Public transit during rush hour
6. Soldering wires - There is nothing more annoying than wires
7. Terrible grammar and rethorical skills
8. Cold, windy, rainy days*
9. Incompetence
10. Ignorance

Now to a part that is a lot more upbeat <3

10** Things I love:

1. My boyfriend
2. My friends
3. My parents
4. My big brother
5. Raccoons - anything with raccoons
6. Food
7. Tea
8. Absinthe
9. Music
10. Order
11. Candles
12. Cherry coke
13. Nail varnish
14. A long shower with all the works
15. A newly made bed
16. Cherry blossoms
17. Jasmines
18. Tapas & Wine with good friends
19. Looking at cute boys
20. Looking at cute girls
21. Talking to friends about subjects that are normally considered very explicit
22. Being a nerd about all my hobbies

I could easily come up with some other lists as well, but for now, lets leave it like this <3


hugs and kisses,
Kira <3

*unless inside with boyfriend <3
**Actual number may exceed 10

New hair

Hey lovelies,

new hair:

 

/ Kira <3

winds of change

Hello my lovely readers,

On this day, Amnesty International is making their report on transgender rights in europe public.
The campaigns leader, Helle Jacobsen is critizising the Danish healthcare system and the laws that have imidiate influence on the way transgender people are treated here. I have taken the liberty to translate her words from the press conference:

"We're forcing an ultimatum on transgender people. Either they commit to humiliating and invasive procedures such as many years of psychological evaluation or a risky surgical procedure that some do not want to undergo. OR they can continue living a life with a gender identity and an appearance that does not match how they feel"



"The danish castrationlaw originates from a law, back from the 30's that was used to 'cure' homosexuals and rapists through castration. It is grotesque that this law is the base on which we treat transgender individuals"


"Rather than fall behind, Denmark would be wise to take the lead on treatment and ethical rights for transgender people in europe. We view ourselves as pioneers of gay rights and should do the same with transgender rights"

Amnesty International estimates that there are around 3000 transgender people in Denmark. To us,
changing the castrationlaw, and removing transsexuals from the list of psychological ailments will significantly improve the life of most of us, it will lower the risk of discrimination and help lower suicides related to gender identity disorder.
I am looking forward to reading the report and I hope that things will actually change around here.

In other news, I have applied to have my gender be unspecified in my passport (marked with "X" rather than "F" or "M"). Of course I would have optioned for Female if the danish laws would allow it at this point.

The application process is long and tiresome as all official trans-related paperwork in this country, and I can expect that I will be summoned for a series of evaluating conversations at the sexological clinic in Copenhagen. - but honestly, if I can avoid being denied access to a country and avoid invasive frisk searches in airports, I really dont mind it.

lastly, my Iphone cover arrived<3<3<3