Something about crossroads and facing reality.

Ohayo gozaimasu!

I have, as you may have noted, been having a f*ckton of moodswings recently. Somewhat due to an instability in my HRT dose, and somewhat due to some severe selfrealization. A part of that selfrealization has made me stronger - but another part has brought me down. Realizing that you need to give up on a lifelong dream (or at least postpone it indefinately) is never a fun thing to do. But it has to happen. We can not just go around and pretend that we will ever be able to fulfill the impossible, and so, I have given up on trying to make myself a studio. There is simply no way that I will be able to afford expanding it to the point where I can use it, and to be perfectly honest, I am not sure I have what it takes to handle the equipment in a way that will ever end up being the music I dreamt of making. Besides that, trying to throw all your money into an abyss like this dream has been to me - all the while attempting to save up for surgeries and treatments that will complete me is not only impossible, but it also seems greedy to try and grasp a hold on all of the things that I dream about. I am a dreamer by heart, and it has simultaneously been a blessing and a curse throughout my life. Always having the idea of the abstract, - always have inspiration, but never the sense of reality to bring any of it into this world. That is why, ladies and gentlemen, I am turning the key to my musicstudio.
                     There's also a bright side to dying dreams though. They make you realize where reality is, and although that experience might be harsh, it will be healthier in the long run. Also, letting go of something in your hand will allow you to hold on tighter to whatever you carry in the other. I will focus more on my writing, and use whatever money I earn from selling my old gear to stabilize my economy. I will definately try to get out more once I get back on top of my life, since there are so many of my wonderful friends that I haven't seen for a long time. Friends that mean a lot to me, and have stayed with me  since back in highschool, and continue to support me through my transition. They are amazing people that I love for who they are; True friends. I could never ask them for anything, let alone to offer me their friendship through neglect and depression.
                     I think, that I am in my right to be true to myself. To embrace the style I feel like presenting. To give myself to my life. fully, and unconditionally, and to finally steer through the path to self-acceptance as my transition continues and I continue to evolve into the person I can be proud of calling 'me'.

xoxo,
Kira