Another rendesvouz

今日は、

Hello dear readers, it has literally been ages since I wrote something for you.
I am very sorry that you have had to go for so long without any news from me, but I have been busy with a whole lot of things that has taken my mind off of writing on the blog. For instance, I have been moving with my girlfriend, my Macbook charger broke, and a lot of other things have happened. The past months have been hard, I have had a lot of mood changes recently, but it seems to be bettering. My hormones are working like clockwork and my breasts have really gotten definition. In a few weeks, I have been on hormones for a year, and I will post something about it then.

My girlfriend and I are having great time together, with a lot of adventures :)

In other news; Denmark has finally renewed the laws concerning legal genderchange, and are now leading in the world. This means that by the 1st of September, I will officially be a woman on paper <3

I have also recieved recognition to get an "X" in my Passport, until I have my legal genderchange.

I hope you are all well, I will try to remember posting some more...

xoxo Kira

Happy Easter!

Waking up with your girlfriend is the best feeling in the world.
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She's so adorable when she's sleeping :3

Happy Easter everyone,
I hope you have a nice time!

Rendezvous

Kyo wa,

It has been a really long time since I wrote anything on my blog, and for those of you who anticipate new posts from me, I would like to apologize. I have been really busy dealing with life and simply havent had the time to write anything on here.

Where should I begin? I broke up with my boyfriend a while back because the distance was too much for me. Since then I have gotten involved with the couple I wrote about last, and we sort of became a triangle relationship. Eventually, that didnt work out as I had hoped it would, and I split with one of the girls. The tilt-shift of our relationship was heartbreaking, but it gets better. My girlfriend moved in with me, and we brought her cats with us. Although the state of our polyamourous relationship is worrying to me, I feel safe with my girlfriend.

since she moved in, I have felt things I never felt before. A sense of security and calm, and I have lost my fear of growing up and aging. I feel, that with her by my side, I can endure anything. I love her.

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In other news, I had my first appointment at the infamous sex clinic in Denmark. All I can say is, that in my experience, the rumors are not true, I had a very pleasent experience there and the specialist I talked to did not make me feel uneasy or appear to look at me as a sick person. We had a nice conversation about my life and how my experience of growing up has been. I have been written up for the evaluating procedure to first of all have my passport changed so the gender states "X" which means unspecified. But ultimately, I hope to be recognized for bottom surgery <3

thats all I have for now. Take care.

xoxo
Kira

T-group meeting #1

Hello lovelies,

today I will tell you about my first visit at the Copenhagen transgender support group (yes, I am well aware that I have been putting this off for far too long). I can be a little reluctant to go new places - especially if I have to go there whithout anyone I know. In spite of my actually pretty decent social skills, you might want to call it social anxiety - I don't. I went together with my really good friends, a lesbian couple - where one of them is also MtF trans like I am. we decided to meet up earlier on the afternoon to shop for underwear and our little shopping trip turned into a full blown bank account massacre / Lingerie frenzy - I bought quite a few lovely pieces myself. I know for certain that I had a blast, since it is always interesting to peek at your friends dressing and undressing in clothes stores. There's nothing wrong with feeling a little creepy when you do it with the "victims" girlfriend<3
I think I want to use this opertunity to do a little advertisement aswell; NewYorker is an amazing place to shop for underwear, its relatively cheap, much like H&M, but the quality and fitting is far superior to their things. They also have some pieces that will make boys swoon and girls drool. Or was it the other way around? Nah, nobody cares about gender roles anyhow, because everybody loves unicorns and rainbow sprinkled ice cream.
               I think we might have shopped around in NewYorker for a couple of hours, just looking through underwear. At the time the store was closing, we all bought the pieces we liked and made for the LGBT library( this is where the support group meetings are held). I was very excited to go - since I had finally gotten myself together for it. Very excited to meet other trans* people and to finally meet Malene Andreasen, who is in fact both the founder and host of the T-group meetings. She is a lovely lady with a very special character and an optimistic glow, much to be admired. Upon entering the cozy lounge of the library, I realized we had a visitor; A journalist student on her last year who had come to learn about the transpolitic issues in the danish society. More specifically transgender issues revolving children and youth. We kept the talk going for several hours, touching everything from university traditions, to traditional and unconventional relationship structures, gender roles, sexuality vs genderidentity. Bigotry within the LGBT community and so on.
                 It was definately a cool experience and I can feel that having participated has given me a rise in both optimism and confidence <3 I am already looking forward to participating again.

xoxo Kira

Something about crossroads and facing reality.

Ohayo gozaimasu!

I have, as you may have noted, been having a f*ckton of moodswings recently. Somewhat due to an instability in my HRT dose, and somewhat due to some severe selfrealization. A part of that selfrealization has made me stronger - but another part has brought me down. Realizing that you need to give up on a lifelong dream (or at least postpone it indefinately) is never a fun thing to do. But it has to happen. We can not just go around and pretend that we will ever be able to fulfill the impossible, and so, I have given up on trying to make myself a studio. There is simply no way that I will be able to afford expanding it to the point where I can use it, and to be perfectly honest, I am not sure I have what it takes to handle the equipment in a way that will ever end up being the music I dreamt of making. Besides that, trying to throw all your money into an abyss like this dream has been to me - all the while attempting to save up for surgeries and treatments that will complete me is not only impossible, but it also seems greedy to try and grasp a hold on all of the things that I dream about. I am a dreamer by heart, and it has simultaneously been a blessing and a curse throughout my life. Always having the idea of the abstract, - always have inspiration, but never the sense of reality to bring any of it into this world. That is why, ladies and gentlemen, I am turning the key to my musicstudio.
                     There's also a bright side to dying dreams though. They make you realize where reality is, and although that experience might be harsh, it will be healthier in the long run. Also, letting go of something in your hand will allow you to hold on tighter to whatever you carry in the other. I will focus more on my writing, and use whatever money I earn from selling my old gear to stabilize my economy. I will definately try to get out more once I get back on top of my life, since there are so many of my wonderful friends that I haven't seen for a long time. Friends that mean a lot to me, and have stayed with me  since back in highschool, and continue to support me through my transition. They are amazing people that I love for who they are; True friends. I could never ask them for anything, let alone to offer me their friendship through neglect and depression.
                     I think, that I am in my right to be true to myself. To embrace the style I feel like presenting. To give myself to my life. fully, and unconditionally, and to finally steer through the path to self-acceptance as my transition continues and I continue to evolve into the person I can be proud of calling 'me'.

xoxo,
Kira

When you get that feeling

Greetings my loveable readers,

See if you can relate to this; When you get that feeling that what you have is so special. What you have is of such rare chances, that it immidiately becomes sacred.
I felt like that yesterday, having a dinnerdate with my good friend and her girlfriend, We had such chemistry between the three of us, and I really enjoyed the evening. I cooked yasai tempura and sunomono, and it was all very lovely. But the magic happened in the conversation, I only just met my friends girlfriend, and have only met my friend once before (aside from online conversations). Even though this should make them strangers to me, I felt like I have known them for so very long, and they in turn, seemed to feel the same way about eachother. I am thankful to have made such great friends and I find joy in knowing, that I will see them both again <3

xoxo Kira

Brighter lights

Hello my lovely readers,

Things are finally beginning to look ahead in life. I am back on my regular dosage of hormones and my mood is stabile again. I had an apointment with the dentist today. Besides from stripping me of all my money, I did have a good experience going there. My dentist has not seen me for about two years, since she had to take a leave due to childbirth. In the meantime, I come out, start HRT and get a name change. Seeing her again, she greeted me like any other patient. by right name and everything. At some point during the check, she asked me about medication, and I told her what I am on. She then proceeded to ask why I was so heavily medicated. Perplexed because I though she knew, I said "well, they're hormones". and she asked me if it was for trying to get pregnant or something. I couldnt help but smile as I told her I take them as part of my sexchange procedure. She was genuinely surprised - had no idea about me being transgender. Even though she's been my dentist for six years. We started talking about all the transition stuff and everything, and she was very kind

love,
Kira

Empty mailbox

A few thoughts

Dear readers,

I know I have not written anything in a while. I do not feel too well at the moment, and I am struggling to get by. For now, here's a few thoughts on being transgender.

Defeating dysphoria, is finally finding your own reflection in the mirror

Defeating dysphoria, is feeling attached to your body

Defeating dysphoria, is no longer feeling like your hanging in the middle of the air. over the abyss

Defeating dysphoria, is being awake - after a nightmare


Dysphoria, is the darkness that crumbles the walls of your inner sanctum

Dysphoria, is a gravitational pull - towards the darkest place inside of you

Dysphoria, is feeling claustrophobic in your body

Dysphoria, living death


Patience, is the key to the gate - a key to salvation, a key to the gate of your mortal coil, a key to you.

The key, is something you can never quite seem to find, or hold on to when you have it.


xoxo,
Kira

The end of all hearing

Hello dear readers,

I have recently experienced a great decline in my will to make music - and unfortunately also my creative ability to do so. I fear that I will give up on music all together?

xoxo Kira

Hello Anxiety

Hello readers,

I only just managed to open my front door and get inside the flat before I burst out crying, crying turned to hyperventilation - which became senseless shaking, curled up inside myself in the corner of my shower. As if the entire pantheon had motioned to destroy me. I felt the weight of the world crushing against me, unable to hold it aloft. All of my thoughts became a blur of distortion like crushing glass in an echo cavern with a PA system attached. My guiding light in the distant horizon snuffed out - I was left in the darkness, with no sense of direction, and no feeling of even a distant fleeting hope. Amidst the anarchy of my rampant thoughts, one single thought was clear as cold running water: "You're going to die". The thought scared me, most of all because the time it would happen was no longer relevant, it might as well be today as any other? Back to the static noise and another session of hulking crying primal fear. Thoughts would cross my mind in a somewhat understandable manner every now and then. Thoughts like: "you have achieved nothing", "you wont make it", "you're losing your friends", "you will be alone", "you look wrong"...

I have somewhat come to my senses, but I still can't control my crying. The silence of the flat is deafening and my skin feels uncomfortable.

Today marks the worst downfall I have experienced during my transition. If I was religious, I would pray that no other day will exceed the horrors of this one.

I hope, for what more can I do??

Sincerely,
your tormented Kira.

A quick wedensday post

Hey dear readers,

Today I want to do something interesting. I am going to give you a couple of lists, feel free to make your own in the comment section.

10 Things I hate:

1. When people say "I wish I was a trainee, you have it so easy"
2. People who stare at me without any sense of modesty because of my transfabulousness
3. People who refuse to acknowledge my gender
4. Celery
5. Public transit during rush hour
6. Soldering wires - There is nothing more annoying than wires
7. Terrible grammar and rethorical skills
8. Cold, windy, rainy days*
9. Incompetence
10. Ignorance

Now to a part that is a lot more upbeat <3

10** Things I love:

1. My boyfriend
2. My friends
3. My parents
4. My big brother
5. Raccoons - anything with raccoons
6. Food
7. Tea
8. Absinthe
9. Music
10. Order
11. Candles
12. Cherry coke
13. Nail varnish
14. A long shower with all the works
15. A newly made bed
16. Cherry blossoms
17. Jasmines
18. Tapas & Wine with good friends
19. Looking at cute boys
20. Looking at cute girls
21. Talking to friends about subjects that are normally considered very explicit
22. Being a nerd about all my hobbies

I could easily come up with some other lists as well, but for now, lets leave it like this <3


hugs and kisses,
Kira <3

*unless inside with boyfriend <3
**Actual number may exceed 10

New hair

Hey lovelies,

new hair:

 

/ Kira <3

winds of change

Hello my lovely readers,

On this day, Amnesty International is making their report on transgender rights in europe public.
The campaigns leader, Helle Jacobsen is critizising the Danish healthcare system and the laws that have imidiate influence on the way transgender people are treated here. I have taken the liberty to translate her words from the press conference:

"We're forcing an ultimatum on transgender people. Either they commit to humiliating and invasive procedures such as many years of psychological evaluation or a risky surgical procedure that some do not want to undergo. OR they can continue living a life with a gender identity and an appearance that does not match how they feel"



"The danish castrationlaw originates from a law, back from the 30's that was used to 'cure' homosexuals and rapists through castration. It is grotesque that this law is the base on which we treat transgender individuals"


"Rather than fall behind, Denmark would be wise to take the lead on treatment and ethical rights for transgender people in europe. We view ourselves as pioneers of gay rights and should do the same with transgender rights"

Amnesty International estimates that there are around 3000 transgender people in Denmark. To us,
changing the castrationlaw, and removing transsexuals from the list of psychological ailments will significantly improve the life of most of us, it will lower the risk of discrimination and help lower suicides related to gender identity disorder.
I am looking forward to reading the report and I hope that things will actually change around here.

In other news, I have applied to have my gender be unspecified in my passport (marked with "X" rather than "F" or "M"). Of course I would have optioned for Female if the danish laws would allow it at this point.

The application process is long and tiresome as all official trans-related paperwork in this country, and I can expect that I will be summoned for a series of evaluating conversations at the sexological clinic in Copenhagen. - but honestly, if I can avoid being denied access to a country and avoid invasive frisk searches in airports, I really dont mind it.

lastly, my Iphone cover arrived<3<3<3

Dominance and submission

This will probably be my most explicit post to this day. If you cant handle things of a sexual character, it is probably best to skip reading this article and move on...

Some of you may recognize this symbol, and among those of you who recognize it,
Some of you might be able to identify with it in one way or another.
the triskellion symbolizes the acronym SSC (Safe, Sane and consensual) the three vows of BDSM.

Yes, dear readers, today I will tell you about the world of BDSM, hopefully I will clarify some things and uncover the truth behind some myths. Usually, when people hear the word BDSM or S & M, they imidiately think of pain. They think of imprinted images in their mind from having come across pictures of "BDSM". These ideas are biased. as the porn industry tends to overexaggerate the aspect of pain. Also, the viewer has no perception of the state of mind of the participants. Which in my opinion, is the single most important aspect of BDSM.

BDSM is in itself a combination of different acronyms that fall into a main category which is, BDSM.

BD (Bondage):
The act of restricting the movement of a partner either partially or entirely through the use of rope, cuffs, chains and so forth.

Ds (Dominance / submission):
The psychological distribution of power between consenting participants.
The Dom is the one who orders and controls the sub.
Daddy / Babygirl
Owner / Pet
Master / Slave
is the exact same thing in different flavours.

SM (Sadomassochism):
either to fin pleasure in recieving or inflicting pain.
this also manifests in humiliiation.

This is how the acronym has come to be, since more than often. the three differend types go hand in hand, in unity, a triskellion, like the one that stands for Safe, sane and consensual. Now you might wonder what this has to do with BDSM, but it is actually a very important thing. since BDSM is really all about trust. The submissive recieves a great deal of arousal through fully submitting to the dominant, letting them control everything. On the other side, being empowered by gaining the submissives trust is a huge turn on for the dominant. SSC are rules that are golden to keep.

Safe: always have first aid kits at hand. Know where the keys are to all the locks and which keys pair to which lock. Always have a pair of sheers that are capable of cutting whatever rope you're using.

Sane: never do anything reckless and dangerous. Keep the game a game and make sure not to break eachothers hard bounderies (Ill get to this later).

Consensual: make sure all participants are consenting (consent is something that has to be established before a scene since the game can involve simulated lack of consent). This is where the safeword belongs. The safeword is there for the submissive to use when a hard boundery is about to be broken. It must be respected at all times by the dominant. (no, the safeword can not just be "stop" or "no", since these words are often used during games that involve simulated lack of consent and is easier to mis-interpret than say "London","Panda" or "Pineapple").

BDSM is all about make believe, a game of pretend. Since the paradox of Dominant and submissive, is actually quite clear once explained. In BDSM, the submissive is given freedom through submission. By letting themselves submit and give up power and will. They are freed from responsibility and allowed to truly just feel and experience. The dominant is slave to the submissive. In that they must see to the well being of the submissive and always make sure to maintain the bond of trust.

You might be asking yourself at this point: "so why would people do this?".
People do it because they are drawn to aspects of it. for the submissive, giving up power is relieving from a stressful reality. It heals, to be robbed of every decision. It heals, to just feel without thought of consequence. For the dominant, being able to show the submissive aspects of themselves that they didnt know they possesed is healing. They can both seek comfort in eachother and to be able to fully expose themselves to eachother is very intimate.The flavour is dominance and submission, Pain is but a spice, and bondage simply a remedy to consume the delicacy that is BDSM. Okay that was a twisted comparisson, but hopefully you'll get it.

Many people believe that BDSM has to be extreme. This is not the case. BDSM is all about breaking bounderies within one self. For this task. The submissive is the passanger of their own experience and the dominant is the navigator, showing the submissive new and uncharted realms. Breaking bounderies is a risky thing to attempt, which is why the level of trust between the submissive and the dominant has to be extraordinary. There are things that you know that you will absolutely not, under any circumstance, break. These are called hard bounderies and the safeword is handy when these bounderies are about to be approached. Then, there are things that you thought you wouldnt do. These are the soft bounderies, and these, are what the dominant will attempt to push.

So what's all this about spanking? and why is it so good?
when you're little you fear getting punished with spanking because it hurts. just like you feared the doctors needle for the very same reason. As we grow up, we learn that getting a vaccine doesnt actually hurt so much, all you feel is a tiny prick. The same idea can be applied to spanking. Sure it hurts, but the initial sting wears off and all you're left with is an intense warmth. It also has a curious age regression effect. As the humiliation of being punished can awaken some feeling if being younger again. For a lot of people, ageplay can be very arousing.

Why bondage? Imagine that someone tickles you. You respond by moving them away with your hand. Then imagine the same thing, except this time, your hands are tied. What are you going to do? Nothing! you can do nothing. You are powerless in the hands of your "torturer" and it can be very scary. But as long as you trust eachother, it can be a very intense emotional experience. A physical reminder that you, as a submissive, do not have free will.

In some cases. a couple will undergo training, as an advanced and very intense part in the powerplay between the participants. The Dominant takes on the role as the trainer, and through a series of non-sexual and sexual tasks "trains" the submissive to be a better slave. This includes training the submissive to have a better posture, a nicer walk, reply politely and much much more. The submissive learns to show persistence during punishment, and willingness to obey their orders.
These things can become 24/7 power exchange games, where the sub, is ALWAYS submissive and in some instances. The dominant takes on the role of controlling all aspects of the submissives life. This is called total power exchange, and is, even in the BDSM scene, a very rare thing.

In all cases, it is a good idea to make a contract, determining what the dominant can do to the submissive, and what rights the submissive has. These contracts serve to protect the submissive, and often include details about hard bounderies, conditions for servitude and circumstances that will immidiately terminate the contract. It puts on paper any rules for seeing other people than those who are respectively mentioned in the contract and a lot of small things that has to be taken to note.
The contract is of course not legally binding. But it is still an exciting thing to have. The whole process of first submitting out of free will, and then signing the contract to seal the deal can be a very metamorphic experience.

As  a submissive, I have found that undergoing submission has made me more confident, more considerate and more polite, not only do I walk, talk and take actions with confidence in my daily life, but I am also stronger for it. I know, that no matter what, I have a dominant to protect me, and make sure that I am allright.

Boring chores can seem less dull, if they are performed as a task given by a dominant, and in many ways, it has made life a lot more interesting. BDSM is all about power exchange and trust. Ropes and whips are just spices that makes it a little more interesting. I am sure that many people I know, have desires that incline towards these, but many keep it a secret, because they fear ridicule from their peers. But listen now, I hope I can inspire you to admit that you are kinky. I am kinky, if not only my familyname suggests so, I definately am by heart. 36 flavours, and only one of them is vanilla.
I don't fear ridicule, I think I am past that stage in my life. I am transgender, I am bi, I am kinky and I am PROUD!

I love all of you,
Love eachother,

hugs,
Kira Kinch <3

feeling better

Dear readers,

I just want to let you know that I feel better again. Thanks to my lovely friends, who are always there to support me. I love you all and I am very thankful to have you in my life. thanks.

In other news, my hometown has frozen over and it is horribly cold outside. It has now become socially acceptable to bingedrink hot cocoa. Winter is here.

I visited a friend of mine last night, his girlfriend is studying in Ireland at the moment, so he often feels lonely. It is a good thing that I live nearby, as I can always just visit him and try to cheer him up. We had dinner together and watched two episodes of the walking dead. :) all in all, it was a great night to finish a rather allright day. I am a little tired today but I will try to get myself out of the door within the next 10 min.

hugs and kisses,
Kira

The thing in the mirror

Dear readers,

Sometimes, dysphoria can be so destructive and so horribly abyssal that no words or actions can soothe the pain and despair felt by the transgender person in question.

I look at all of you,

biological women, beautiful, as you are supposed to be.
I completely ignore the fact that you might be unhappy
that you might have issues.

for all I see is a blinding radience that fills me up with vile jealousy.
I might blend in with you. but none the less, I will always feel like a wolf in sheeps clothing.
I will always feel guilty, because I feel like I am decieving you.
I will never, no matter how much you think so, and no matter how much I want it.
I will never be a woman like you.

I stare into the creature in my mirror, who has, for a lifetime taunted and tortured me. Although I now look different. My demon still lingers in the corner of my eye.

I will never escape this feeling. Ever.
and so I am forever damned...

/ Kira

Noir

I find myself awoken amidst a crumbling necropolis, that was once the capitol of my hopes and dreams. I have been dormant and sleeping and have not noticed the seige to my own foundation.
I can barely stand. I... , There's no way I can make it through. "study so you can get a decent education". I tried, but, making it all work and stick together has so far been impossible. Must I use my own sinew, blood and tissue to bind my life together? Where did I go wrong, and why cant I get back up again. Pressure. from society, from family, from myself - all these things make me blind to a possible solution, and I slowly sink into the seeping, tar that is despair. I will stay here, hiding. Til' death tires of searching and brings his scythe to my throat, and harvest that which is already his.

/ Kira

The things we have in common.

Hello my lovely readers,

Yesterday I had a visit from a girl I met on OkCupid (yes, I have a profile on an online dating site -.-')
she told me that she had noticed my comment about being on HRT, and then informed me that she had recently started HRT aswell. We agreed that we had to meet, so a week ago. We had coffee after my scheduled laser hair removal. She is very kind and I cannot help but feel a little more relieved - Having met someone that I know shares my experiences of being trans, and therefore fight the same battles against the unevering cosmic horror that is gender dysphoria.

We have found that we have a great deal in common, not excluding intelligence, morals about sexuality, a love for asian cousine and sunstone. We decided to get together for some girly chit chat, watch orange is the new black and eat indian take away, accompanied by Sapporo. I enjoyed the evening, and I hope, that she did too.

to repeat myself in a bold fashion, I cant help but to feel relief.

Hugs,
Kira

Against Me!

Okay,

so this one is mostly going to be a copy paste. But I have to share the lyrics to the  Against Me! - Transgender Dysphoria Blues album. I am far from a punkrocker, but this album just stirs something in my soul. A sign of recognition? A reflection?




 

"Transgender Dysphoria Blues"

Your tells are so obvious,
shoulders too broad for a girl.
It keeps you reminded,
helps you remember where you come from.

You want them to notice,
the ragged ends of your summer dress.
You want them to see you
like they see every other girl.
They just see a faggot.
They'll hold their breath not to catch the sick.

Washed off on the coast,
I wish I could've spent the whole day
alone with you.
With you.

You've got no cunt in your strut.
You've got no hips to shake.
And you know it's obvious,
but we can't choose how we're made.

You want them to notice,
the ragged ends of your summer dress.
You want them to see you
like they see every other girl.
They just see a faggot.
They'll hold their breath not to catch the sick.

Washed off on the coast
I wish I could've spent the whole day
alone with you.
With you. 

 

"True Trans"

All dressed up and nowhere to go,
Walking the streets all alone.
Another night you wish that you could forget,
Making yourself up as you go along.

Who's gonna take you home tonight?
Who's gonna take you home?
[x2]
Does god bless your transsexual heart, true trans soul rebel?

Yet to be born, you were already dead,
Sleep with a gun beside you in bed.
Follow it through to the obvious end:
See your veins wide open,
You bleed it out.

Who's gonna take you home tonight?
Who's gonna take you home?
[x2]
Does god bless your transsexual heart, true trans soul rebel?

You should've been a mother,
You should've been a wife.
You should've been gone from here years ago,
You should be living a different life.

Who's gonna take you home tonight?
Who's gonna take you home?
[x3]
Does god bless your transsexual heart, true trans soul rebel?
True trans soul rebel!  

"Unconditional Love"

Unraveling, unrolled, a siren in the night
I love the jaundice of your skin
It's perverse plasticity
You make me want to smoke cigarettes
You make me want to drink whiskey

Even if your love was conditional
It still wouldn't be enough to save me

My sycophant love song, My authentic desperation
I'm addicted to the feeling, the only kind of steady I believe in
Prison cell exercises, solitary sport entertainment
What makes you think you're going to die any different?

Even if your love was conditional
It still wouldn't be enough to save me

Don't worry young suicides, the vultures will pick your bones dry
Half digested and eternal, somewhere lost in the ephemeral
Welcome to the future, an always ice-cold nightmare
Burnt coffee and percocet's, this night too will end

Even if your love was conditional
It still wouldn't be enough to save me 

 

"Drinking With The Jocks"

I'm drinking with the jocks
I'm laughing at the faggots
Just like one of the boys
Swinging my dick in my hand

All of my life, all of my life
Just like I was one of the them

Look at all them bitches, yeah
I'm gonna fuck them all
Look at all of the pussy, yeah
Fill them up with cum

All of my life, all of my life
Wishing I was one of them

There will always be a difference
Between me and you
Between me and you

All of my life, all of my life  

"Osama Bin Laden As The Crucified Christ"

You're gonna hang like Benito from the Esso rafters
Hang like Clara with her skull caved in
Hang like a cross around my neck
You're gonna hang
You're gonna hang

What's the best that you can hope for?
Pity fucks and table scraps?
Subterfuge and detachment?
A bullet in the head and a bullet in the chest

You're gonna hang like Benito from the Esso rafters
Hang like Clara with her skull caved in
Hang like a cross around my neck
You're gonna hang
You're gonna hang

What's the best that you can hope for?
A blind-fold and a ball-gag?
Burnt out eyes, grotesque beauty
A nail through the feet and a nail though the hands

You're gonna hang like Benito from the Esso rafters
Hang like Clara with her skull caved in
Hang like a cross around my neck
You're gonna hang
You're gonna hang 

 

"FUCKMYLIFE666"

The ease of your pose, the grace of your silhouette
The way that your shoulders meet your slender neck

Where would we be without all the distance?
You know I'm already just a skeleton

I don't have the heart to match the one pricked into your finger
Of things made to be destroyed
All moments meant to pass

Don't wanna live without teeth
Don't wanna die without bite
I never wanna say that I regret it
Never wanna say that we grew apart
And never wanna say that the feelings changed

I don't have the heart to match the one pricked into your finger
Of things made to be destroyed
All moments meant to pass

Chipped nail polish and a barbed wire dress
Is your mother proud of your eyelashes,
Silicone chest, and collagen lips?
How would you even recognize me?

I don't have the heart to match the one pricked into your finger
Of things made to be destroyed
All moments meant to pass

I don't have the heart to match the one pricked into your finger
Of things made to be destroyed
All moments meant to pass

No more troubled sleep, there's a brave new world that's raging inside of me

I don't have the heart to match the one pricked into your finger
This, too, will soon slip out of reach
This, too, will soon come to an end.  

"Dead Friend"

Needn't worry about tomorrow anymore, because you're dead.
Does anything still echo? Is there any trace left?
I know she still remembers, she sleeps with your picture by her bed.
They shaved your face and they washed your hair clean,
You were wearing the jacket that I met you in.

How could I not have guessed she would fall in love with the first boy she kissed in a casket?
God damn it. God damn, I miss my dead friend.

We buried your body into the heart of a hole in ground.
John Paul Allison, the orphan boy Pope.
She waits for you to haunt her,
She sleeps with your ghost at night in bed.
When you died, you were only twenty-six,
The most real person that I've ever met.

Your cold dead hands, your cold dead lips,
Your cold dead heart, your cold dead kiss. 

 

"Two Coffins"

Two coffins for sleep.
One for you, one for me.
We'll get there eventually.

In the dark of our graves our bodies will decay.
I wish you'd never change.

How lucky I ever was to see
the way that you smiled at me.
Your little moon face shining bright at me.
One day soon there'll be nothing left of you and me.

Two coffins for sleep.

Two coffins for sleep.

All the things I have yet to lose will someday be gone too.
Back into annihilation.
All things will fade, maybe it's better off that way.
I wish you'd stay with me.

How lucky I ever was to see
the way that you smiled at me.
Your little moon face shining bright at me.
One day soon there'll be nothing left of you and me.

Two coffins for sleep.

Two coffins for sleep.

How lucky I ever was to see
the way that you smiled at me.
Your little moon face shining bright at me.
One day soon there'll be nothing left of you and me.

Two coffins for sleep.

Two coffins for sleep.  

"Paralytic States"

She could hear them fucking through those thin hotel walls
…She heard baby’s crying, she heard laughter, she heard sirens
Red and blue lights flashing through those cheap hotel drapes
Blood spilled out on the porcelain
The bathtub’'s overflowing

Paralytic states of dependency
Our waking life’'s just a living dream
Agitated states of amazement
Never quite the woman that she wanted to be
Never quite the woman that she wanted to be

Spread out face down on those stained, cheap hotel sheets
She spent the last years of her life running from the boy she used to be
Cut her face wide open, shaved the bone down, then pumped her lips up exaggerated,
A fucked up kind of feminine

Paralytic states of dependency
Our waking life’'s just a living dream
Agitated states of amazement
Never quite the woman that she wanted to be
Never quite the woman that she wanted to be

Night time at the hotel, there was fighting in the hall
Thin chain lock to keep the world out, she held her breath till it was gone
Standing naked in front of that hotel bathroom mirror,
In her dysphoria's affection, she still saw her mother'’s son.

Paralytic states of dependency
Our waking life'’s just a living dream
Agitated states of amazement
Never quite the woman that she wanted to be

By the time the ball dropped, it was already over
No resolutions for the new year beginning tomorrow 

 

"Black Me Out"

I don't ever want to talk that way again,
I don't want to know people like that anymore.
As if there was an obligation,
As if I owed you something.

Black me out.
I want to piss on the walls of your house,
I want to chop those brass rings off your fat fucking fingers.
As if you were a kingmaker. Black me out.

I don't want to see the world that way anymore,
I don't want to feel that weak and insecure.
As if you were my fucking pimp,
As if I was your fucking whore.

Black me out.
I want to piss on the walls of your house,
I want to chop those brass rings off your fat fucking fingers.
As if you were a kingmaker.
Black me out.
I want to piss on the walls of your house,
I want to chop those brass rings off your fat fucking fingers.
As if you were a kingmaker. Black me out.

All the young graves filled.
Don't the best stars burn out so bright and so fast?
All the young graves filled.
Don't the best stars burn out so bright and so fast?
Full-body high. I'm never coming down.

Black me out. 



Damn, this album can tear me apart, destroy me completely, and be the braces that hold my broken soul. Laura Jane Grace. You are an amazing woman.

Hugs,
Kira

Hindsight is pointless

Hello my lovely readers.

Today, I am going to ramble to you about the usefulness (or the lack of it) of hindsight. I think everyone experiences these moments where thoughts drift and they go back in time, now richer with the answers to past mistakes, they see clearly what could have been done in prevention of things that ultimately causes them to regret their actions and might even have left a splinter of grief in their souls. A splinter that keeps the wound from fully healing and causes irritation and pain whenever it is disturbed.

How often haven't you heard someone utter: "If only I had [Prevention/Evasion plan], then all of this would not have happened." and how often haven't you actually felt that way yourself?

Well, the first point of the day is time travel. Anyone familiar with the theory behind time travel knows that if you go back in time and alter something, events will progress differently to how they "originally" did and cause a tangent on the space and time continuum, drifting further away from the "original" future and thus causing an alternative reality to occur. There are a few paradoxes about this. If we first assume that the "original" (hereby refered to as reality A) dissapears, and only the events of reality B will be "real". This is an impossible paradox, since the version of yourself from reality A was the one who changed the past. So without reality A, reality B could not exist. The next issue in this theory is that if we believe the idea of alternate reality tangents to be real. There must therefore be an infinite number of possible realities. This is unfathomable and will lead to the demise of all sanity, thus proving H.P. Lovecraft right. Nobody wants this to happen as the fates of Cthulhu's victims are dire.

I too, often have these moments. For me, the biggest regret has been hiding myself from the world.
So often, I think that I would have been better off if only I had told my parents how I truly felt. If only I had known how they would react. I would have been through my transition, and all the horrors and battles I now face because of male puberty would have been prevented. I would have been free from anxiety, and I might even have gotten an education already.
I wish I had saved up money and acted like a responsible adult earlier, so I could afford transition.
Then I might have had SRS, FFS, and breast augmentation already.

To get back to the point; time travel is paradoxal. There's no point in trying to accomplish it, as it will, surely, end in the awakening of Azatoth, who will destroy the universe. Also, If you keep walking through life looking back, you will surely stumble and get hurt. Try and savor the moment. Accept what has come to be and use your past as a leyline to guide you through life. There's no way we could have predicted another outcome that the one we experienced. As life might be a series of rooms with a blue and a red door. Sometimes there's a third door - or no door, just a dark pit. Sometimes, it could even be an elevator. I try to look at the bright side, revelling in the small victories and happy memories. So many memories that would not have been, if the past was altered. Free yourself from grief and embrace your right to love.

Hugs,
Kira <3

The incomprehensible truth

Often.
More so, than seldom. I drift in time and space. A glimpse of the truth. Not the truth about one, few, some or many things in particular. But the truth of all that is and all that will come to be. My face torn off, and the dystopian knowledge of things, concepts, shapes, feelings and sounds, that I can't describe with the limited vocabulary of humans, enter me, through the maelstrom that once held my face and made me familiar. The realization, that ascension, takes aeons, and in comparison, my insignificance have barely been a single shimmer of light over the pascific ocean at sundown. Not even immortality can save me from the unfathomable aeons that I stare into. And so, I welcome the same doom that I lament.

Just a regular everyday

hello my sweethearts,

As I definately remember promising you a photopacked tour of a regular morning in my life. I kind of forgot to do the post (sorry about that). so here it comes: A regular monday morning.

0500:
My phone slowly starts playing NIN - and all that could have been. I slowly begin to phase into reality and open my eyes. It's really cold in the room since my heaters do not work. I hessitate, but I eventually get out of bed and walk into the shower. The hot water hits my skin with a force similiar to epinephrin, and I am wide awake. I do my routine:

1. wash body with hot water to loosen follicles up and get my bodytemperature back to 37° C.
2. Shave entire body with the razor assigned for that task.
3. Shave facial area (every second morning). 
4. Exfoliate with Rituals... Sakura scrub.
5. wash body with Rituals... Zensation shower foam.
6. wash hair with Hårologi gentle wash.
7. Step out of shower and splash face anf body with ice cold water before drying up.

0600:
I eventually get to the point where I figure out what I want to wear that day and how to do my makeup. I eventually decided to go with this outfit. pantyhose, black thigh-highs, converse shoes, a white longsleeve shirt, sailor skirt, black blazer and my coat.

 

0700:

Confidently walking down to the station I arrive between trains and decide to look around for some good photoopertunities. I come to notice how barren the sterile platform seems to be at this time in the morning.

0703:

The train shows up and I walk in with a lot of other passengers who always seem to show up just before the train leaves. I sit for myself, listening to music and reading, I am currently reading World War Z. Some time later I get to Nørreport station and exit the underground to catch my bus, at the top of the staircase, a newspapergirl hands me a copy of Metroexpress. They are running an article about anti-depressants and how they increase suiciderates. I put it aside in the bus and resume reading World War Z. It takes a good 30 min. before the bus gets to Nærum via the northbound motorway. 

0750:

I leave the 173E together with some other people I can identify as employees in the company i work in. The walk is only some 300 meters or so. I enter the buidling, sign in, and head for my desk. Our pathways look like mental asylums, so I had to take pictures of it. 

so down the hallway... around the corner, turn right and up the stairs, follow the path to the break area and go up the left path and into the double doorway on the left. in the other end of the room, there is my desk. I greet my boss and colleagues and si down. turn on the lamp, turn on the soldering irons, turn on the laptop, wait for it to boot and then put on some music. I go to the break room for a cup (or actually 3 cups) of espresso and go back to my seat. I start working on an assignment that My boss has given me and around the time its done, I go to lunch.

1115:
I pick up my fellow electronics trainees and, chatting, we head for the cantina. I eat lightly, just some salad and a slice of rye bread. 30 minutes later, my lunchbreak ends and I go back to my seat. the table is a mess (not my fault, the other employees have a tendency to make everything chaos in less than a minute. I decide to clean up the area. here's a before and after shot:

Before

After

 

 

1300:

A ton of super uninteresting things happen for the rest of the day.

1630:

I take my things, very tired, and go home. On my way back down the long corridor, I manage to take this awesome picture:

Its the same way back. just in reverse. When I get home, I'm going to cook some dinner <3

/ Kira <3

Sometimes I get the craziest compliments

"I would chop off both of my hands with a salty turkey carver then swim through shark infested waters with Snookie on my back pumping my face into the water for a chance to run the fingers of one of my prosthetic hands through your beautiful hair."

It's all the little things

もしもし！

Hello dear readers,

I just wanted to say welcome to 2014. A year where you will get many more pictures from me (I recieved my new phone a few days ago). I have spent most of the morning photographing random things on my way to work. I'm compiling a post about my everyday.

furthermore, today one of my colleagues passed me with a greeting, she then came back to tell me that she "had to tell me that she thinks that I look so cute"  it is things like these that awaken that fuzzy warmth inside me and makes me smile uncontrollably. This made me realize that during my transition, it's not the big things like getting on hormones, getting surgery and so forth that matters. These events are just insignificant seeds that we sow in the soil of life. No, it's when the seed becomes a tree, and we get to reap the fruits from its branches here and there that we're truly rewarded.

I don't compliment other people enough, but I think I will begin to do that now. 

You guys are awesome, no matter who you are or where you are from. Everyone is different, and all of us have demons to defeat. I think it's great that you all keep on fighting alongside me, I respect it :)

take care for now.
Kira <3